The Grief Cycle
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross named the five common stages that accompany grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While the initial reading of these stages and some graphics that depict these stages may make them seem like a linear path to work through, there is actually no order or path to work through these. They will come and go sporadically, some may last longer than others, and you may find yourself in a few of the stages more frequently than others.
With a rather poignant experience with grief I went through recently, I found there were times I was slowly flowing in and out of these various stages and other times I was rapidly and sporadically going in and out of them multiple times a day. I became well acquainted with anger and depression but didn’t have much bargaining. And through the exhaustion of this, I sometimes turned to foreboding joy, because that felt more appealing than the roller coaster grief was putting me through.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Don’t feel like my experience has to be yours. I share my experience to show you that as a mental health professional dealing with my emotions, especially grief, is never done neat and orderly.
In working to give you a wider emotional vocabulary for what you are experiencing, my hope is that you are better able to name and identify what you are experiencing. In doing this, my goal is that you are better able to sit with your emotions. I’m not saying you always have to enjoy it. There were many times I named and sat with my grief and silently glared at it for a while. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I was tired of it.
But I knew this fatigue was grief. I didn’t misname it as something it wasn’t. And I knew that for me to work through my grief I was eventually going to have to look at it and talk with it. It wasn’t like anger where I could go work out and cool it off, or sadness that can sometimes wear off on its own without me doing much. Grief needs me to look it in the eyes and see it for what it is. Talk with it.
If you know you’re in the midst of grief and are struggling to name what is coming up for you, the 5 stages of grief may be a grounding place to start. From there, you can continue learning the numerous facets your grief carries and how to best sit with it.
