To Be Still

Do you ever daydream of having nothing to do? A time when to-do lists are nonexistent, you aren’t needed anywhere, and no reminders going off on your phone. Nothing.

I know I always anticipate this time coming. Perhaps during a holiday break or a calm upcoming weekend.

But, can you guess what usually ends up happening? I fill it up. I might be able to sit and do nothing for a short time but, inevitably, I feel uncomfortable and I have to start doing things. Cleaning, organizing, running an errand I’ve been putting off forever, or baking up a sweet treat. Not that any of these things are necessarily bad, but I’ve been intrigued by this discomfort and inability to sit still.

Fortunately, Robin Wall Kimmerer helped me out. In her book Braiding Sweetgrass she says When you have all the time in the world, you can spend it, not on going somewhere, but on being where you are.

I was able to pinpoint that my discomfort comes from being where I am, from trying to be fully in the moment.

I’ve gotten significantly better through therapy and time, but as a recovering unhealthy perfectionist who hid behind productivity, I have a strong internal dialogue pushing me to keep going. Keep doing. Keep performing and perfecting. And it reminds me of the inadequacy and failures I’m accumulating by doing nothing. And that voice is hard to sit with. So I do something and get the voice to calm down some.

This voice has nowhere near the grip it used to have on me, but it is still there. Now, I work to name it, acknowledge why that voice is there for me and the function it is trying to serve, and then let it know that sitting still, being mindful, and being present in the moment is a beautiful act to do. It’s productive in a sense we rarely celebrate in this culture. And it’s healing to the soul when I’m able to do it.

I think we all have various defenses that come up when we have nothing to distract ourselves from them. This is why sitting still can be so incredibly challenging to do, no matter how much we daydream about it. And I’m not saying to never have adventures, complete your to-do list, or enjoy your active hobbies.

I am saying that I want you to put everything down for the next 5 minutes. Or sometime today when you have 5 minutes to spare. No music, no phone, no TV, nothing. Just set a timer and sit.

What came up for you? Did you notice your thoughts wander? Did you start to feel anxious? Were you uncomfortable? Did you start to fidget?

We can’t work with what we don’t name and are unaware of. So, work to name what all comes up for you when you sit still. Personally speaking, working through my defenses that caused immense discomfort when sitting still has been a gift. My defenses aren’t completely silent, and I don’t know that they ever will be, but I have control over them now versus them having control over me. They used to stop me from being able to sit still, now I can stop them from consuming my mind, and enjoy the multitude of rejuvenating effects of being fully present in the moment.